sometimes i look out the plane and see my ambition flying overhead

when i get back to school, i'm either going to get very, very bored or very, very excited. since that's such an odd way to introduce an entry, you are, no doubtedly, shaking your head or rolling your eyes. possibly sighing.

so, i explain. you see, i do not study physics because i have a test coming up. or a job that requires me to keep up to date. i don't even have a single person in my life that will challenge me on the topic, causing me to out-do her/him in an effort to save face or claim superiority. so the fact that engage in the activity at all must be very obvious of the fact that it, quite simply, my calling.

why aren't you focusing professionally on it then? you clearly must be asking.

well, a calling doesn't necessarily require engagement on a constant basis. i mean, it's a calling; if it weren't a calling then it would just be some thing i kinda want to do, or some thing i have to do. instead, it is what i do out of choice and what i do out of personal interest. therefore, it doesn't have to be what i do every hour of my life in order to be the most important thing i can do with my mind.

making a film is a life goal. i may have lost interest in another few years, i may have been haunted by the thought of 'maybe if i'd made that movie' for the rest of my life. i don't know. but i have never pretended that i can't have what i want. it may take sacrifice and dedication and the sort of work that makes some people tired at the thought. but those are the costs of doing anything important. so if it's something i honestly want, i do everything possible.

so, i take my time with physics. my only worry with this is that i will have wasted the most potential of my life, squandering my youthful imagination and insights (no laughing) on things like movies and romance and financial juggling. but i made my choices. and i am happy with all of them.

getting back to the first sentence, finally: i study physics outside of career interest. therefore, i may be overstudied for my first year or two of grad school. this would keep me bored.

but if i'm lucky, really really really really lucky, i can land that special class, that special teacher. that special research project that will give me an honest shot at getting what i want. and what do i want out of physics? i want to make a difference to the lives of everyone in the world. even slightly. i never pretended to dream small. i just don't expect it to happen without a lifetime of effort, sacrifice, and intense choices.

back to work.