pass the big cone hat, please
i am stupid.
...i choose to ignore the stunned gasps, cries, and silence that just issued.
no, it's true. sure, i can drum out pi to 18 digits { 3.14159265358979323, in case you were wondering } but i can't calculate it that far. well, not without sitting there, sticking fingers in and out of the air as i count decimal places in my head.
i'm an idiot. for a thorough examination, here is a brief listing [not a LIST, but a LISTING. shut up, they're different]:
1) i yearn to shave my shaggy beard-growth in order to be clean shaven, yet know ahead of time and decry after the fact that i look very, VERY young when clean shaven.
2) i wasn't able to tie my shoes until 3rd grade (possibly the 4th)
3) i have shocked myself in the last six months. with electricity. from an outlet.
4) i have eaten dirt and other concoctions on a dare. not for the money, but the principle, however stupid it was.
5) i have confused a plant with a person. on more than one occasion.
6) i jump into snowbanks, huge ones, fully dressed and aiming for my face.
7) i was convinced, at the age of 8 or so, that i could build a functioning robot within one week.
8) i doubt the advice of professionals while attempting to do what they do on a daily basis (i.e. carpenters, painters, electricians and plumbers).
9) i have gotten lost because i would not stop and ask for directions (but in all fairness, there have been plenty of times where i didn't get lost)
10) i will wait twenty minutes for the slurpee machine to attain the perfect consistency demanded of my coke slurpees.
11) i am late to meetings, appointments, and parties for things like #10
12) i have forsaken much of my college education, being late after spending too much time sleeping and then ironing my clothes before leaving for class.
13) i don't think i know any state capitols. ANY! and i barely knew to spell it CAPITOL. barely.
14) i forget people's names with startling frequency.
15) i regularly try to take ALL my groceries up the stairs in one trip.
16) i feel no need to unplug appliances and devices before opening them up to troubleshoot or just generally poke around.
17) i drive twenty miles out of my way to save ten cents on gas.
18) i have found occasions in which i discover my own chewing gum caught in my hair.
19) i once tried to 'improve' a tesla coil by changing the number of turns and length of the coil on a whim...and without calculating anything remotely close to a resonant frequency or impedance differential (that one was for all you techies out there)
20) i have tried to persuade women by 'reasoning' with them (now to towel off all the spit from your boos and hisses)
21) i have tried to turn a toothpick over in my mouth, top to bottom, using nothing but my tongue.
22) i closest thing i've ever come to 'winning' in chess was when i and my equally horrible partner both had nothing but our kings left on the board, slowly moving together and apart, one square at a time.
23) WE HAD NOTHING BUT OUR KINGS LEFT ON THE BOARD. now come on, that's just plain horrible. and hence, stupid.
24) i once asked someone who was the better baseball player, Ken Griffey Jr. or Babe Ruth.
25) i have no idea who gore vidal is.
26) i once spent ten minutes trying to say 'kennator sennaty'
27) i once spent ten minutes trying to say 'senator kennedy' when i was 14...and i couldn't even do it in writing with #26.
28) i thought the store named Dulux Paints by my house was pronounced "DOO-LUX" Paints until two years ago.
29) i can calculate the intensity of the sound coming out of my mouth to around a 1% accuracy and then convert it to decibels, but i can't seem to realize that i'm always talking too loudly.
30) i spend most of my grade school years convinced that i could telepathically talk to animals and ask them nicely to obey my commands.
31) i change my accent accordingly whenever i leave the state, to match that of the geography i visit (ya'll know wher i'kin find a gas 'tation 'round 'ere?)
32) i have a deep seated fear and mistrust of any animal that is smaller than me and therefore is able to move much faster than me.
33) i keep all my eggs in one basket (laptop, cell phone, backpack...i even POP my email...)
34) i turn my air-pressure-keyboard-cleaning cans upside down and sprayed my own skin with the freezing liquid (since the pressure is so high inside the liquid becomes gaseous to leave the can, but if you hold the can upside down it comes out in droplets and is VERY VERY cold, as most natural gases when in liquid form).
35) i splattered myself with oil while attemping to deepfy things without a splatter-barrier. repeatedly.
36) i CANNOT recite the alphabet backwards. i just can't.
37) i have had to throw away phone cords because i chewed them too much.
38) ditto on headphone cords.
39) i think chewing on the little red cheese spreader that come with Handi-Snacks makes me look rugged.
40) i buy post-its so i can simply pull them off and fold them in half compulsively, to see the edges stick together.
41) i deliberately make noises with my nostrils. i attempt melodies, as well.
42) i put a pen behind my ear and then wonder the rest of the day where in the world i lost it.
43) i have dreams of walking down the monroe st. bridge, listening to the monroe st. bridge music guy banging on his plastic container drums, and then sitting down and jamming with him on the trumpet i happen to be carrying at the time.
44) ditto for the train.
45) i aim to dress like a mix between ricky ricardo, fraiser crane, bill cosby, and emmet l. brown.
46) i am incapable of roller-blading.
47) i try to fix most things by melting plastic that just happens to be laying around.
48) i talk to the characters on my tv screen.
49) it took me 10 minutes to remember the word 'scarf'
50) i have super-glued a mask to my face for halloween (phantom of the opera...) and, as a result, learned what my facial hair looks like from a third-person perspective.
so there you go. all i need is a big cone hat and a dictionary to make sure i can spell d-u-n-c-e correctly.
...i choose to ignore the stunned gasps, cries, and silence that just issued.
no, it's true. sure, i can drum out pi to 18 digits { 3.14159265358979323, in case you were wondering } but i can't calculate it that far. well, not without sitting there, sticking fingers in and out of the air as i count decimal places in my head.
i'm an idiot. for a thorough examination, here is a brief listing [not a LIST, but a LISTING. shut up, they're different]:
1) i yearn to shave my shaggy beard-growth in order to be clean shaven, yet know ahead of time and decry after the fact that i look very, VERY young when clean shaven.
2) i wasn't able to tie my shoes until 3rd grade (possibly the 4th)
3) i have shocked myself in the last six months. with electricity. from an outlet.
4) i have eaten dirt and other concoctions on a dare. not for the money, but the principle, however stupid it was.
5) i have confused a plant with a person. on more than one occasion.
6) i jump into snowbanks, huge ones, fully dressed and aiming for my face.
7) i was convinced, at the age of 8 or so, that i could build a functioning robot within one week.
8) i doubt the advice of professionals while attempting to do what they do on a daily basis (i.e. carpenters, painters, electricians and plumbers).
9) i have gotten lost because i would not stop and ask for directions (but in all fairness, there have been plenty of times where i didn't get lost)
10) i will wait twenty minutes for the slurpee machine to attain the perfect consistency demanded of my coke slurpees.
11) i am late to meetings, appointments, and parties for things like #10
12) i have forsaken much of my college education, being late after spending too much time sleeping and then ironing my clothes before leaving for class.
13) i don't think i know any state capitols. ANY! and i barely knew to spell it CAPITOL. barely.
14) i forget people's names with startling frequency.
15) i regularly try to take ALL my groceries up the stairs in one trip.
16) i feel no need to unplug appliances and devices before opening them up to troubleshoot or just generally poke around.
17) i drive twenty miles out of my way to save ten cents on gas.
18) i have found occasions in which i discover my own chewing gum caught in my hair.
19) i once tried to 'improve' a tesla coil by changing the number of turns and length of the coil on a whim...and without calculating anything remotely close to a resonant frequency or impedance differential (that one was for all you techies out there)
20) i have tried to persuade women by 'reasoning' with them (now to towel off all the spit from your boos and hisses)
21) i have tried to turn a toothpick over in my mouth, top to bottom, using nothing but my tongue.
22) i closest thing i've ever come to 'winning' in chess was when i and my equally horrible partner both had nothing but our kings left on the board, slowly moving together and apart, one square at a time.
23) WE HAD NOTHING BUT OUR KINGS LEFT ON THE BOARD. now come on, that's just plain horrible. and hence, stupid.
24) i once asked someone who was the better baseball player, Ken Griffey Jr. or Babe Ruth.
25) i have no idea who gore vidal is.
26) i once spent ten minutes trying to say 'kennator sennaty'
27) i once spent ten minutes trying to say 'senator kennedy' when i was 14...and i couldn't even do it in writing with #26.
28) i thought the store named Dulux Paints by my house was pronounced "DOO-LUX" Paints until two years ago.
29) i can calculate the intensity of the sound coming out of my mouth to around a 1% accuracy and then convert it to decibels, but i can't seem to realize that i'm always talking too loudly.
30) i spend most of my grade school years convinced that i could telepathically talk to animals and ask them nicely to obey my commands.
31) i change my accent accordingly whenever i leave the state, to match that of the geography i visit (ya'll know wher i'kin find a gas 'tation 'round 'ere?)
32) i have a deep seated fear and mistrust of any animal that is smaller than me and therefore is able to move much faster than me.
33) i keep all my eggs in one basket (laptop, cell phone, backpack...i even POP my email...)
34) i turn my air-pressure-keyboard-cleaning cans upside down and sprayed my own skin with the freezing liquid (since the pressure is so high inside the liquid becomes gaseous to leave the can, but if you hold the can upside down it comes out in droplets and is VERY VERY cold, as most natural gases when in liquid form).
35) i splattered myself with oil while attemping to deepfy things without a splatter-barrier. repeatedly.
36) i CANNOT recite the alphabet backwards. i just can't.
37) i have had to throw away phone cords because i chewed them too much.
38) ditto on headphone cords.
39) i think chewing on the little red cheese spreader that come with Handi-Snacks makes me look rugged.
40) i buy post-its so i can simply pull them off and fold them in half compulsively, to see the edges stick together.
41) i deliberately make noises with my nostrils. i attempt melodies, as well.
42) i put a pen behind my ear and then wonder the rest of the day where in the world i lost it.
43) i have dreams of walking down the monroe st. bridge, listening to the monroe st. bridge music guy banging on his plastic container drums, and then sitting down and jamming with him on the trumpet i happen to be carrying at the time.
44) ditto for the train.
45) i aim to dress like a mix between ricky ricardo, fraiser crane, bill cosby, and emmet l. brown.
46) i am incapable of roller-blading.
47) i try to fix most things by melting plastic that just happens to be laying around.
48) i talk to the characters on my tv screen.
49) it took me 10 minutes to remember the word 'scarf'
50) i have super-glued a mask to my face for halloween (phantom of the opera...) and, as a result, learned what my facial hair looks like from a third-person perspective.
so there you go. all i need is a big cone hat and a dictionary to make sure i can spell d-u-n-c-e correctly.
posted by Mister Vikas at 7:57 AM
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