ha...ha?

there is something just plain funny about not laughing.

think about it for a second. when you're sitting there, all the elements viable, everything around you screaming in hysteria over the fact that you're just not laughing your spleen onto the dining room table.

hmm, maybe you just don't get it.

because when you find something funny, you laugh, right? your funny bone is tickled and the resultant symptom is a chuckle and a chort.

simple bimple goggity blap flap. sizzle bizzle whizzle iggy dingle bop? hibbity. jungarupfazy?


that's what i thought.

spot me a philosphy, would ya?

i am the definition of tired,

the personification of sleepy, a tribal statue erected in honorarium of sloppy exhaustion.

tired and sore. were soreness a painting, would be i the paint. if achyness a trumpet, i the limber keys. if pedantic nonsense had a name, it would be vikas.

anyway.

yes, so tired. and sore. a good kind of tired and sore, in a way, but also not good in another way. just the kind that obstructs things, the kind that prevents you from holding your arms up without having to try and stretch them out first (think village people and YMCA but pretend that one of them was doing the letter 'T'. that right there, that move, is what i'm talkin' 'bout)

there are clouds outside my window and a fog inside my head. i'm running on automatic. or maybe manual; whichever one implies that you're running along without request of actual independent thought or imagination. where your agenda for the day is

1. breathe
2. eat (maybe)
3. sit at desk
4. breathe

with the occasional bout of typing. but those things are okay, when it's nice looking out.

sure it's a little chilly, but "chilly and chili and chile are all good things," i've always said, "so keep 'em coming." honestly, i've always said it. i even wrote it to amber g. in her middle school year book while she simultaneously wrote "have a nice summer" in mine.

freaking middle school. the paths i could have taken, had anyone responded to my enthusiasm about chilly, chili, and chile.

the week has progressed. there have been many trips to gymnasiums, grocery stores, hardware stores, big stores little stores stores that climb on rocks. etcetera. but none of them have captivated my spirit, none of them have rocked my soul and sent me vaulting into hopeful expection of my next trek to the ____ store.

but maybe i'm expecting too much. maybe shopping catharsis has no reality, maybe i'm looking for something that doesn't exist. like a jackalope or jimmy hoffa's gold fillings.

fine, fine, i take back the jackalope thing. it's not right to make fun at the non-existence of such an obviously realistic creature.

blufarumbum.

live and let

sometimes, i think, you just lose all track of time and tenets. you forget all the things that you were hoping to do and all the people you were hoping to meet. you end up living without all the big things that you wanted for yourself and, somehow, you got through the months and years on the little things that you've been too busy to pay attention to.

and it's not a question of whether you're happy, or a question of whether you're wasting your life. at least not the important question. because with enough time you end up asking the important questions, and realizing that all the planning and hoping and dreaming and wishing and wanting and wasting and whiling away hours only amounts to a big chunk of time spent living in your head. all the time wishing that you could forgive the hurts, forgive love, forgive god, and be forgiven all the same.

i may spend too much time being happy with increments. i may spend too much time having dinners and laughing and just swimming in bliss to realize that there's something else that i should be doing instead. that maybe laying in bed for that extra hour next to warm skin is actually stupidly wasteful, that i should be out selling my company or doing volunteer work or reading that book on QFT that i still haven't finished for 6+ years now.

i may be too flippant with how i want to live my life. it's not like i don't plan to marry, it's not like i don't plan to have kids. so why aren't i saving my money, so why aren't i making sure that all the things i want for my family will definitely happen. i may be living out the dream in my head in one hour segments, living with complete disregard for future and past. just embracing every touch and taste i've waited so very long to enjoy.

but no matter whether your life is perfect or in shambles there's a few things that have to be put away before you can move on to tomorrow. because there have been so many people that have hurt you and so many people that have loved you and so many people that could have been so much more. there are so many places that you want to see and so many sights that you want to find. but the world is too big, and people are too human. so it's important when you get a chance to come to grips with that, to see the tapestry and enjoy what sections you can before the sun sets and you're left with darkness.

and it's nice when you get to take a breath, close your eyes, and wait out the night because, for the most part, all has been forgiven.