pass the butter, please.

on a roll. a textual roll, i'm on a textual roll. a literary kaiser, a phraseologic sesame seed bun. a lettered brioche. alphanumeric baguettes with creamy written interiors.

yeah, that's all i got.

come on in, the water's fine

i am in need of something to need.

well that's not really true. i need lots of stuff. dimmer switches, more lights, more crew, more cast, more production assistants. more pants, more shoes, more gloves, more scarves, more shampoo.

more cufflinks, definitely more cufflinks.

sometimes i need more gas in the car. sometimes in need some ice cream. sometimes i need to watch tv. sometimes i need to sleep. sometimes i need to NOT sleep (wink wink, nod nod, chuckle chuckle).

but that's not the case right now. because i never really need those things. they are wants and preferences and hopes and weird dreams. but i'm using the fully forced aescetic meaning of the word right now.

NEED

the way we need air. or water or food. the way we need a good set of teeth. the way we need a toothpick. i need something. i just don't know what it is yet.

but who ever does know what they need? not need-need, but NEED-NEED. maybe i need surgery. who knows? maybe i need a new sense of self. maybe i need to relax more or i need to buck up more.

maybe i need a mansion. or a yacht. or a really big ocean.

maybe i need a student, or a teacher. maybe i need fish.

i'm talking NEED-need. like how, sometimes, you NEED coffee? ten times more need than that. crazy, huh? exactly. that's what real need is. it's crazy.

therefore, i need to be crazy.

how do i go crazy? maybe i should drive on the wrong side of the road or try to fit twenty people into a phone booth (a small phone booth, not one of those big ones, because that'd just be stupid and easy...like your mom. BOO-YA!). maybe i should make more bad jokes. maybe i should do a headstand at work.

maybe i should take a running jump and kick the glass wall in front of the pseudi-cubi-cle (a cubicle with low walls, mind you) and cause it to crash and crack and just sit there while everyone stares and wonders what just happened.

or eat cheese, maybe i need to eat cheese.

maybe i need to make up sounds and sing a fake song with them (boom bamg piggle pop bant, hibbity joogle kalk, tyup dyup rup rup, nah-ga nah-ga nah-ga villy cix. triggy womp womp. luggaluggga lug. opfisticacky. ung.)

there are paperclips on the wall and nothing holding them up. is that paradoxical? a tool for attaching being attached to something without having anything attaching it to the thing to which it is attached?

crazy isn't a state of mind, chief. it's only the puddle of sanity being splashed all around after you've jumped into it. it's the drops of water from swimsuit or salad dryer, spattered little splotches of rationality retched onto the walls of the cage, all ready to form a pool again at the bottom...but not just yet.

i can't get no-oh...sat...is...fac...shun

so the last couple months i've been all over the map. an example:

me: hey
friend: yo
me: what do you call those things that you wrap around your neck to keep warm??
me: i REALLY can't remember, i don't know why
me: SCARF!!!
me: nevermind
friend: are you doing drugs?

a short but sweet IM conversation detailing my inability to grab a toehold onto basic vocabulary. at least not right away. the film has kept me preoccupied and so have the long hours i've been throwing at everything on my plate. so the question you have to ask yourself is "so, like, seriously....who cares?"

well i guess i care. there's been a lot of ice-cream eating at work, lots of making sandwiches at work. lots of coming home and emailing and calling and gazing into eyes and falling asleep. lots of sleeping without sleeping. lots of dreaming without closing my eyes. the only suggestion i have for those of you missing out on such things is this: you're totally missing out.

new folks at work, old faces at work. the weekly grind in filming but that's coming along nicely. the finished product will be quite the finished product, i think. very much worth...well worth everything.

i have two more films to write. i want to shoot more, obviously, but in terms of acting and investing i'm only going to stick with my stuff right now, thank you. it's been cold outside, which is nice though badly timed. we have an outdoor shoot in a bar alley that will not be nice for actors if it's colder than cold outside. so that is something to be considered.

beyond that, well things are just a matter of time. i have ten minutes to breathe today, so i write. some people seem to think that is impressive or some other malarky; more like it's what i do and that bears no semblance to intentional or ambititious paths. it's more just something that must be done, like bathing or taxes.

i want to help other people some more. family and friends, those that are more than family or friends. help people get through school, help people get out of school. help people take chances, help them learn to rein it in some. help people laugh. help people do what they want. help them just be important in the ways they would like to be important.

so all in all, there's a lot on my plate. but it's a massive plate, reader. massive and tough as granite...no way i'm cleaning my plate right now.

wow is 'wow' spelled backwards

wow.

weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and then a day or two. then weeks and weeks. i'm not posting, i'm not sleeping, i'm not eating, i'm not watching any television and less than any movies. i'm not reading. i'm not fixing things (well, mechanical things at least). i'm not staring into space. i'm not sweating equations in my sleep. i'm not writing. i'm not cutting my hair. i'm not shaving. i'm not lounging.

but i'm liking it.

no more wishing for something to do, no more feeling powerless. no more waiting for something to happen. no more wishing there were something to come home to. no more wishing there were someone to talk to. no more feeling trapped and no more feeling unable.

no more being alone. no more bitter or jaded shards of nostalgia whipped with longing. no more watching everyone else pass by.

i am shooting my film. i am buying a house. i am writing more scripts, i am reading more scripts. i am planning ahead and i am being spontaneous. i am not worrying and i am not being careless. i am working hard. i am sleeping well (when i sleep). i am not alone and i am not going to be abandoned. i have stability and the chance to do anything.

oh yorick. too bad you were a tool.

there are more things, horatio. seriously, just, like, stop being a jerk and expand your mind or something. because (and i'm not trying to be that guy here, horatio. just saying)...well because your philosophy sucks.

like, honestly.

more things, horatio, in heaven and earth. plenty of things and lots of things and so very many things in heaven and earth, more than are even DREAMT of in your philosophy. so really, seriously, honestly, just, like, get a new philosophy.

or visit heaven. or roam the earth. dream more or want to dream more. just dump the philosophy and check out all the stuff.

honestly, horatio.

freaking freak freak

freaking groundhog's day.

just, just...freaking groundhog's day.

first of all, who the hell decided to give one of my days to some over-hyped rodent with a shadow-casting complex? who the hell maintains the authority, not to mention has the need, to hand over 24 of MY hours of MY week of MY year every year for MY entire lifetime?

and what the hell is all this shadow/no-shadow business anyway? why is that no one waits in suspense when i wake up and walk around naked for about twenty minutes trying to find a lightswitch? why is there no audience waiting in silent suspense and overcoats, a mass of rural boony-boons hovering and shivering and gripping their breaths to see whether or not i notice my shadow cast on a wall or floor or ceiling? (i have a light that shines upward, so shut up)

okay okay, so maybe i'm a little peeved because i take this occasion to the extreme, maybe i'm a little miffed because every year i want to play the movie of same name over and over and over.

and over

and over and over and over and over and over and over

and so on for however many loops may loop in a day. maybe i'm a little scorched because i've only managed to pull it off one year (thank you USITE computer labs at UofC), maybe i'm just furious over the fickle fancy and fact that it would be nice to be prepared and ready and totally on top of the game when it comes to doing something completely trivial and pointlessly entertaining.

but still, it's a freaking groundhog, people. it's a hog, on the ground. seriously, get a life.


...freaking groundhog's day.