for godssakes, guys. brown socks? then BROWN SHOES...

manic. just plain old, everyday manic. out of the ordinary manic. friggin manic.

depressive.

but manic. manic in fluctuation, manic in randomness. manic in instability, manic in vacillation. manic in not knowing what the hell i'll be feeling in five minutes.

don't push this button, don't flip this switch. don't even breathe on the lever. don't brush the pedal, don't turn the knob. don't twist, don't shake, don't tilt don't twirl don't don't don't.

don't tempt, don't entice. don't insinuate. don't jive. don't lie, don't hate. don't moralize. don't preach. don't sneer, don't smirk, and don't you dare order me around.

don't look down your nose at me.


there's no ties here, no coats. no cufflinks and no vests.

i have yet to see another pair of wingtips.

blue, black, grey. white and pinstripes. open collars and 12-hour shadows. accents: scandinavian. parisian and germanic. brits and hicks, patrician snorts and sighs.

there's lots of pink shirts.

and that's why i don't wear them. not because they're effeminate, not because i'm insecure. because it's so gauche, so standardly and conformally 'chic.' a little magic color that suddenly makes you daring and fashionable. gimme a break.

but that wouldn't have stopped me. i still would have done it, still would have worn one, given my reasons at the time. those reasons are gone, for the moment.

i've been seeing a different genre of drinking, lately. fraternal, social, more than a carnal perfunction. familial, almost. chummy.

i've been seeing a congealing genre of people, lately. professional, capable, but with the human twinges unseen during the 9-5. open, honest. not so honest. wanting and leering, chasing and hiding. proud of country, proud of heritage. proud of life and place. cocky, self-concerned. there's selfishness and civility with a dash of indifference.



i'm tired. haven't slept and haven't wept and haven't stopped breathing for a second. i'm tired of facades, i'm tired of plans and dreams and structured centuries of life. i'm tired of nods. tired of waiting. tired of wanting and wishing.

i'm tired of living quietly.