the duck goes quack, the cow goes "lay off, I'm divine. Rock."
it's such a plaintitive death. quiet and reserved and totally passive. uncomfortable but calm. not ideal, but painless. breathe in, breathe out.
"let's move on to the C category," says the speaker. class moves on and my thoughts congeal and there's good and bad and innocent and redemptive in the world, all hiding in a corner with crobars and cigars. wating for me.
"team 23. Give a round of applause," speaker says,"for table 23."
take a bat and resculpt my skull, plaster the walls with grey. please please please please don't send me back. please please please please just let me be. debrief. listen learn test score graph talk listen. remember and struggle with lost wishes. smile smile smile.
my personality test says i'm warm, friendly. two-way flow, a good listener. enthusiastic. stimulating. easily excitable. often one-way, can inspire others. an attacking behavioral style.
it wasn't me. it isn't my fault. it wasn't my fault. it was not my fault.
i don't know anyone, any of these people. fiancees and boyfriends and girlfriends and siblings, they know them. i am here temporarily, a shimmer of slacks and tie. but the pointlessness lasts only a few minutes, brought back by the newness of all these same people.
hours later, now. school can be engaging, when filled with activities and goals and documents to be written up. print, stamp, file it all away. look back and find out how to take meeting notes. take the notes, file it all away. repeat.
i am not lazy. i am not confused. i am not slow, i am not unable. i am not unwilling. i am not uninformed. i am not broken and i am not down for the count.
i am elemental, a force of nature unnatural. i am the calm and the fucking storm.
a generation of men raised by women. i think fight club might have had it right all along. something to consider, folks, next time you lose your head. or hold onto it too tightly.
the break for lunch had me going back to my room, intending to nap. rather there were emails to be sent and IMs to be replied, and so i turn on the television.
almost with a smirk, lovely fate delivers unto me...the cosby show.
two episodes, two whole great wonderful episodes of the cosby show. i tried to sleep, i honestly did, but it just wasn't gonna happen. things happen that way sometimes, i guess, so you just have to deal with it. no complaints here, though.
back from two episodes, in class. prepped for and rolled out a mock interview with my team. things went smoothly, if a little unpredictably.
few more hours and end of class. probably won't go out tonight; things happened last night that warranted delving into revelry to distract me. i think the aftermath has me a little stomachy and hesitant to imbibe as easily as the night before.
i had a conversation and had to stick it out. i had a conversation that i wanted and didn't want, with feelings and statements and revelations that i did and didn't want. i don't settle; i trust my gut and when it tells me that things can be a certain way i simply don't let go. occasionally this feeling goes away, and that's okay.
it's when that feeling won't go away and there's still nothing to support it. when the feeling won't go away and everything around and everyone around points to having to let go. when there's a sanity to it and a madness to it and having to deal with one of the incredibly few times the distinction blurs on all fronts. it's when you don't want much and still can't seem to have it...it's hard for someone like me to wrangle with. i don't settle.
besides all that from last night, the haze of the world is shifting perception and identification. future plans and scanning this new face in your mirror. spontaneity and duty, responsibility and childish urges. memories of winter fading, despite all the times you close your eyes to recall them. despite all the times you try to remember something good that's now gone.
back to class. just won another game. what is the prize today?
MAGNETIX!!!
basically little magnetic tubes and balls that can form joints. make bulky little wiremesh-like geometrics. odd looking dogs, canoes with no hope of floating.
something tells me to wind down, though. maybe it's the smell of play-doh, the metallic clang of ball bearings. lack of sleep, not enough cheese. simple written exhaustion. at best, it's a lack of direction. for now.
"if you don't know where you're going," the cheshire cat says, "any road will take you there."
"let's move on to the C category," says the speaker. class moves on and my thoughts congeal and there's good and bad and innocent and redemptive in the world, all hiding in a corner with crobars and cigars. wating for me.
"team 23. Give a round of applause," speaker says,"for table 23."
take a bat and resculpt my skull, plaster the walls with grey. please please please please don't send me back. please please please please just let me be. debrief. listen learn test score graph talk listen. remember and struggle with lost wishes. smile smile smile.
my personality test says i'm warm, friendly. two-way flow, a good listener. enthusiastic. stimulating. easily excitable. often one-way, can inspire others. an attacking behavioral style.
it wasn't me. it isn't my fault. it wasn't my fault. it was not my fault.
i don't know anyone, any of these people. fiancees and boyfriends and girlfriends and siblings, they know them. i am here temporarily, a shimmer of slacks and tie. but the pointlessness lasts only a few minutes, brought back by the newness of all these same people.
hours later, now. school can be engaging, when filled with activities and goals and documents to be written up. print, stamp, file it all away. look back and find out how to take meeting notes. take the notes, file it all away. repeat.
i am not lazy. i am not confused. i am not slow, i am not unable. i am not unwilling. i am not uninformed. i am not broken and i am not down for the count.
i am elemental, a force of nature unnatural. i am the calm and the fucking storm.
a generation of men raised by women. i think fight club might have had it right all along. something to consider, folks, next time you lose your head. or hold onto it too tightly.
the break for lunch had me going back to my room, intending to nap. rather there were emails to be sent and IMs to be replied, and so i turn on the television.
almost with a smirk, lovely fate delivers unto me...the cosby show.
two episodes, two whole great wonderful episodes of the cosby show. i tried to sleep, i honestly did, but it just wasn't gonna happen. things happen that way sometimes, i guess, so you just have to deal with it. no complaints here, though.
back from two episodes, in class. prepped for and rolled out a mock interview with my team. things went smoothly, if a little unpredictably.
few more hours and end of class. probably won't go out tonight; things happened last night that warranted delving into revelry to distract me. i think the aftermath has me a little stomachy and hesitant to imbibe as easily as the night before.
i had a conversation and had to stick it out. i had a conversation that i wanted and didn't want, with feelings and statements and revelations that i did and didn't want. i don't settle; i trust my gut and when it tells me that things can be a certain way i simply don't let go. occasionally this feeling goes away, and that's okay.
it's when that feeling won't go away and there's still nothing to support it. when the feeling won't go away and everything around and everyone around points to having to let go. when there's a sanity to it and a madness to it and having to deal with one of the incredibly few times the distinction blurs on all fronts. it's when you don't want much and still can't seem to have it...it's hard for someone like me to wrangle with. i don't settle.
besides all that from last night, the haze of the world is shifting perception and identification. future plans and scanning this new face in your mirror. spontaneity and duty, responsibility and childish urges. memories of winter fading, despite all the times you close your eyes to recall them. despite all the times you try to remember something good that's now gone.
back to class. just won another game. what is the prize today?
MAGNETIX!!!
basically little magnetic tubes and balls that can form joints. make bulky little wiremesh-like geometrics. odd looking dogs, canoes with no hope of floating.
something tells me to wind down, though. maybe it's the smell of play-doh, the metallic clang of ball bearings. lack of sleep, not enough cheese. simple written exhaustion. at best, it's a lack of direction. for now.
"if you don't know where you're going," the cheshire cat says, "any road will take you there."
posted by Mister Vikas at 4:32 PM
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