you can't see nothin' if the mirror's broke

the only way to know yourself is to cheat yourself. to go against your own grain and writhe against your mores and moralities.

only sinners. that only sinners can be really self aware.

every time i see an older couple walk past me, holding hands and smiling, i think back a bit. about the last time i mentioned it,

"awwww, it just fills you with hope; that maybe things can work out,"

...was the response. yup yup yup, says the walking memory closet with a penchant for writing less-than-succinctly. yes indeed.

the elbow-deep search to remember the old self continues, unabated. though it draws to a close, somewhat. the problem was never one of finding the light...rather it was taking off the shade and letting it shine. not so much trying to define myself and remembering how well i used to know that definiton, no. it's about not hiding what i think and want and know behind some self-righteous blather about sacrifice and taking-one-for-the-team. it's about not letting myself be stopped from being myself.

so there you go. turn off the lamps, we found what we're looking for.

soon comes broadband. soon comes filming. soon comes acting. soon comes dinners and dancing and long nights out. soon comes studying and studying, soon comes research and letters of recommendation. soon comes distraction. soon comes so many things.

soon comes regret. but that's awhile away.

older couples, holding hands. walking to their car, climbing stairs to their apartment. eating in the park.

oh and on a side note: if i ever found a genie i'd probably be at a loss. end of side note.

let's remember a song, then:


"I've been searching for a long time
To find someone to be mine
I never thought, you'd come along
Now that you're here, all my worries are gone
Ohh

Sweet you
Sweet you
All of my dreams have all come true

You're just the one I've been looking for
You're just the one I've been looking for

I didn't know how long it would take
But good things come to those who wait

I can't ask for anything more
You're everything I've been looking for

Sweet you
Sweet you
Nobody, nobody, nobody will ever do

You're just the one I've been looking for
You're just the one I've been looking for

Nights were dark, the days gotten longer
My mind was weak but my heart stayed strong
Then you came along and rescued me
Please don't you ever, set me free

Oh no
Ohh

Sweet you
Sweet you
All of my dreams have all come true - yeah

You're just the one I've been looking for - baby
You're just the one I've been looking for

I've been looking - you're the one
I searched all day monday - you're the one
And I couldn't find'ya - you're the one
I searched all day tuesday - you're the one
And I couldn't find'ya - you're the one
Early wednesday morning - you're the one
You know I found you - you're the one
And when I found you - you're the one
I threw my arms arround you - you're the one
I said baby I'm glad - you're the one."


just fills you with hope...that maybe things can work out.