before the storm, perhaps

i am so devoid of euphemism, of witticism and chemistry and interesting jibberjabber. i can't think to post anything of note. i can't think, i can't spell, i can't wonder in writ.

pffft, whatever. the day i can't babble like a buffoon...see, i can't even finish that thought. guess that day is today. rather today is that night.

a week ago we went to get slurpees. ah slurpees, the revelry and the celebration. it had been a long time, like so many other things that i've gone so long without doing.

anyway, slurpees. the bro and i realized we needed to split one (just not one of those gut-busting days, i'm afraid) and so filled the cup accordingly. went to the register. scan the cup.

"blah-bippity-blah-blip-blah" said the desi working the register.

i pull out the cash and start counting when the desi working the register catches the MAD BLING hangin' off the bro's neck. the MAD BLING, of course, being an OM.

"OM, huh?" the desi working the register said.

"yeah," retorts the bro.

"you know," the desi working the register continues. "this is my country's God."

"mmm hmmm," we regale. pay and leave. laughing outside at the thought of the desi working the register not knowing we were the desis paying for the slurpee. laugh laugh laugh.

casting has been casting has been casting. almost done, far as we can tell. filming, here we come. post? you're next. fundraising to be announced.

the weeks have been a whirlwind. a wind, whirling and whirling. i've been thinking about some people less and less. some people? more and more. and a few in ups and downs. i haven't had a thought on perturbative charge densities in relation to the potential/charge symmetries i've been working on in my head. but then again i haven't had nightmares about fourier transforms and uncertainty relations, either. tit for tat, it seems.

but there is something to note, these past weeks. a private search, introverted and internalized. trying to figure out who i am, again. trying to remember.

i used to know, dear reader. oh did i know. the kind of knowledge that came with experience and reflection. the die-harded truth and understanding that came with rejection and betrayal and isolation.

oh and i was full of myself, so very full of myself. the quiet kind that comes with knowing that no one else can be me as well as i can be. the kind of conceit that comes with doing something so well that there is, simply and surely, no other competition. i knew who i was, what i wanted, and where i was headed.

i knew my vices and victories and sins and sermons. i was an encyclopedia vikasica.

needless to say things have changed. this calendar year has torn me from myself and all that defined me. this is not a bad thing; challenging and rebelling against myself is something that should be done. but as experiment only, to judge and weigh and clarify my principles and who i am. this calendar year did no such thing. this year has given me a mask for christmas and asked me to wear it all the time.

'be someone else,' it tells me. 'be someone else and be someone else and act like the man you want to be. stop wanting and start being.'


'fake it so hard it starts to turn real.'


a double-sided coin, you see. the drastic change requisite to reverse self-loathing. the loyalty to soul requisite to maintain your identity. and all the gray in between.

point being that i strayed too far from self. i tried things out and couldn't stand the outcome...tried out others that have changed me deeply. and tried and tried and taken chances big and small. and tried and tried and tried.

last week i walked towards my train, minutes and minutes away. plenty of time. i looked to my right and saw her, a form behind a sign. STRANDED or some such thing, it said. blonde hair and no face to be found. just a sign and some words.

just me adjusting the bag, stopped, and sitting down right next to her.

"you're not really stranded, are you?" i asked her. some unidentified movement. no response.

"because if you're really stranded," i try again, "we can figure out a way to get you home. plane, train, or automobile. hell even scooter, if they rent any around here."

no response. more movement, but more avoidance than her being drunk or doped or sleep deprived. simply holeing up behind the sign and proving the truth that doesn't need to be proved. so i got up and went on my way, noticing her walking past me a few minutes later when i got some coffee. just crossing the bridge, not a care in the world. how can you not smile at that?

the weather's turning now. good timing, the weather. it's been hot for some time now, the summer that came and left. i'll remember it because of the memories i'll wish i'd had. but that's life, and time now for the coats and the sleeves and the warmth of sweaters. hearing the breathing from the head resting on my shoulder, the arms curled up in my lap. somehow feeling the beating underneath the coats and sleeves and warm sweaters, the heart just thumping away and reassuring faith because only God could give me someone like that when it's so very cold outside.

i want to wear my coats, and wear my sweaters, and gloves. thick socks and steamy breaths. the occasional scarf.

but more than anything, things have calmed down. pressures haven't lessened and priorities haven't changed, but still. still, things have calmed down. simple, done.

so, back to final auditions, new thoughts and new scripts. i have people to meet and ideas to embrace, in and out of the film. i have old friends to hold onto. old friends to accept have gone. and new friends of every other shade.

the news says a hurricane named katrina might be the worst natural disaster to hit in US history. a prayer sounds good, right about now. sounds really good.